I took a Sunday drive through the country on a gorgeous Spring day. The winding roads spun a tale of fresh growth with light green sprouts and baby blue skies; like time stood still or never started with Springtime now or eons ago laid out along the roadside. It was like seeing history as it was happening and knowing that it was still ancient history. I passed a little white church that still had a few lingering patrons dressed nicely chatting by their vehicles parked in a shady grass lot and I thought of Uncle Bubba and Sweet Pea; were they home from church yet? It has been a while since I visited them so I drove to their place. I found them just returning home from church and they welcomed me in as always.
"Y'all missed a good service today boy," Uncle Bubba crowed.
I felt flush as embarrassment rose from my chest and into my cheeks. I know how seriously Uncle Bubba and Sweet Pea take going to church. I deflected by offering up an invitation to tell me all about it.
"Yessir, I'm sure of it. Did you learn anything new?" I replied.
"The preacher was on fire today, his talk was about how adultery was not only a sin but if there are children involved, it is also child abuse."
Uncle Bubba stepped out of the room as he spoke, only to return shortly in his casual clothes. I sat quietly at the kitchen table. Sweet Pea hummed a pretty tune while starting to gather food from the fridge to prepare lunch but my mind was twisting Bubbie's words around in my head, adultery is child abuse. Really? That thought had never really occurred to me. Sure, broken homes and broken marriages are hard on the kids but I suppose that I never really thought about to what extent; I reckon that I never really wanted to because it might be disturbing. After all, I knew a lot of people that either came from broken marriages or had affairs and in trying not to judge them and still see the best in them I didn't want to see the bad... was it really my business? Uncle Bubba came back in without missing a beat and continued his story.
"Jesus says keep the commandments and we all know that but he also said that if anyone causes a child to stumble it would be better for them to have a big ol' millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea! (Uncle Bubba did not cite verses but they can be found at Matthew 19:18-19 "'You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.'" Matthew 18:6-7 “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come!)
This was some heady stuff to take in on such a beautiful Spring day and I can see why Uncle Bubba was fired up, it is one of the contradictions of life. Do we stand on our principles or conform to constantly shifting societal ideals? I told Uncle Bubba that for the most part, I have tried to maintain a secular view of this “unintentional” child abuse by a parent, as that is how most view the world -- they cannot see beyond the end of their nose. We're addicted to the game; when we’ve found our latest “soul mate” the long-term ramifications are normally of little concern. We want what we want when we want it.
Bubbie replied, "But for those of us who claim His name, we must consider how God sees this issue. Read your bible. If ya do y'all're gonna find that there's some things in there that will bend your nose outta joint. But that doesn't mean that they aren't right."
"OK," I said, "to be fair, there are people who are divorced who did not want to be but their partner left, and there are people who have a spouse that died. There are single parents that were never married. So we could say that adultery doesn't really apply as long as they date others with equal circumstances. Would that be abusive?"
"It is," Bubbie replied, "if the parent is bringing people into and out of a child's life; you know, mommy or daddy's "special" friends. It's instability! And if we're brutally honest, there's neglect and abandonment because an adult infatuated with a suitor is not focused on being a good, consistently stable parent. It's just a fact. A biological fact. And what becomes of a kid who becomes attached to their parent's boyfriend or girlfriend and then they break up? That person is just ripped out of a child's life. Then what?"
Well, that's Bubbie's view and in this case, it is hard for me to argue against it. It's also why I love Uncle Bubba so much, he lives by common sense. Sweet Pea served up a delicious Sunday dinner topped off with a slice of homemade peach pie and big ol' glass of iced tea as the brilliant rays of the late afternoon sun strain to pierce Sweet Pea's window curtains. Uncle Bubba talked about getting his garden ready to plant and an early fishing adventure with Cousin Earl. It was fun. Later, we all bid one another adieu and I drove home under that afternoon sun. White cotton clouds floated peacefully above but dang if Bubbie's church service was still nagging at me. After returning home I did a quick search online and found, "The Journal of Child Abuse and Neglect". It says that child abuse is "any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation, an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.” Emotional harm, hmmm... that's a big one. I thought about this definition, and what Uncle Bubba said, and about the words of Jesus and I'd have to say that, yes, adultery is child abuse. There is an obvious reason that number 7 in the Ten Commandments is do not commit adultery, it ruins the family which is the rock-solid foundation for a civilized and Godly humanity.
To be honest, there was one other bit of information that I found online while searching for a definition of child abuse that really cast a light on the topic; it's the statistics pertaining to the children from broken homes. The children are:
* two times more likely to drop out of school.
* three times more likely to have behavioral disorders.
* ten times more likely to be abused physically and/or sexually.
* four times more likely to become alcoholic.
* six times more likely to abuse drugs.
* twelve times more likely to end up in prison.
* three times more likely to become an unwed parent.
* five times more likely to live in poverty.
* three times more likely to commit suicide.
If this is the result then any reasonable person would have to draw the conclusion that the actions that caused the result are abuse. Go figure... there are a thousand reasons not to cheat, but none more important than what you’re about to do to your innocent child who believes in you -- who loves you -- who trusts you.
All of this bothered me through the night so I called Uncle Bubba the next day to discuss things a little bit more. We talked about how the little ones are so easily brushed aside as being resilient but these are the formative years of their lives. As Uncle Bubba mentioned, "What they perceive now will stick with them forever; we know, we were kids once too. How easily I can recall hurts of my childhood like it just happened yesterday and it was 50 years ago!"
But there was something more nagging at me, the idea that I had to consider how often I have been culpable in any of this. I surely was complicit in lies, choosing to believe them over the obvious truth; meaning, I have friends and family that have cheated and I never spoke up about how I thought that their behavior was wrong; I'd smile and go along with it so as not to rock the boat. As I said before, I didn't think it was my business, but truly I didn't want them to get mad at me. However, in the case of children, they are defenseless. If I am a citizen of a society, aren't I responsible for the betterment of that society? I recently heard someone say that you don’t have authority over anything until you take responsibility for it. That's why you can't go across the street and yell at someone else's misbehaving kids and expect them to listen. But by taking responsibility for doing the right thing, being a good citizen, and standing on Godly principles, I now have the authority to act and do my best to protect the defenseless. We should always speak up when we witness an injustice. I offered this up to Bubbie and he agreed.
He replied, "Listen Bubba, we all fall short, we're not perfect. So now you know where you stand. Make good choices going forward. Don't expect to get any pats on the back, that's not what it's about--it's about the children. In my view, we have to just keep on living by The Word and show love."
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