What's Your Pleasure?

I received a rebuke of sorts from Uncle Bubbie about the last post. Behind his simple, soft spoken demeanor is lot of wisdom and I sometimes forget to take it all to seriously when I chat with Bubbie. He is so goodnatured and pleasant that it's not hard to laugh off many of his comments without regard for the wisdom which is imparted in them. Anyway, he reminded me that we had talked about finding happiness and when I had written, "the same theme repeated over and over throughout his tales, consider the thoughts and actions of someone other than yourself" from the last post I didn't go far enough. Bubbie and I were sitting on the porch in the heat of the afternoon discussing how happiness is not the same thing as pleasure. Happiness comes from within. As Aristotle says, happiness is an activity of the soul in accordance with areté (excellence or virtue). That's the ancient Greek Aristotle, not Buzz Aristotle that has the lumber mill out on county road 417. Buzz knows timber but he's not a people person. But now, pleasure is the natural accompaniment of unimpeded activity; a momentary feeling that comes from something external - a good meal, our stock going up, making love, and so on. In Bubbie's view, we here in the US are a pleasure seeking society. Most of us spend our energy seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, and hoping that by doing this we will feel happy.

Bubbie told me that for too long he walked around preaching that we should all try just a little harder to be happy but then realized that what he was preaching was his idea of happiness, which is different from anyone else's because we're all individuals. And since it comes from within one's soul, he could not know what anyone else could be feeling to generate their own happiness. He was quick to tell me that he still believes in finding happiness and the act of giving, but now on a different level. Likewise with pleasure, he assumed that all pleasure was positive but he now reckons that that ain't right either. Many folks find pleasure in destructive actions like gossip and drama. Why some of Bubbie's closest family and friends find pleasure stewing in their own misery; they must or they wouldn't do it. Take Wesley, a feller that Bubbie's known most of his adult life. In terms of our society's idea of success, Wesley had everything - a good job, a lovely wife and children, a beautiful home, and time to enjoy it all. Yet he was not happy. While he had momentary feelings of happiness while watching the truck pulls or drinking a cold beer with his friends, he also felt anxious and depressed much of the time. As the years passed and Bubbie hung around Wesley, it became apparent that Wesley's main desire in life was to have control over people and events. He wanted others to do things his way and to believe the way he believed. He was frequently judgmental with his coworkers, wife, children and friends, believing that he was right and they were wrong and it was his province to straighten them out with his judgment and criticism. Over time his natural demeanor had become hard and tough and he would be like a steamroller in his efforts to get his point across and get others to do things his way. When it worked and others gave in, Wesley felt a momentary pang of pleasure. But it wouldn't last and all the beer in the world couldn't easy the letdown. Uncle Bubba would spend hours trying to talk and more importantly listen to Wesley because as Bubbie said, "That's just what friends do." He discovered that Wesley also wanted control over his own feelings, and would often judge himself as harshly as he judged others in an effort to get himself to perform well and feel okay. He especially judged himself harshly when he felt rejected by others, frequently, secretly telling himself that he was an inadequate jerk. Poor ol' Wesley has never really changed. Sadly he could never see that happiness is the result of choosing to be a kind, caring, compassionate and gentle person with himself and others - quite the opposite of the judgmental, controlling person he had chosen to be. How much better would he be if he could learn that happiness is the natural result of being present in each moment with love and kindness toward himself and others rather than trying to control the outcome of events and others' behavior. Bubbie reckoned that if Wesley could be open to a different idea he'd discover that he'd feel true happiness whenever he'd let go of control and chose caring instead.

Uncle Bubba told me, and I agree that it is not easy to shift out of the deep devotion to control and become devoted to love and compassion toward oneself and others; most people need a teachable spirit and some good support to make this shift. That because our ego wounded self has been practicing control since we were very little; it's our nature. Yet the moment our intent is to control, our heart closes and we feel alone and anxious inside. Our intent to seek safety and pleasure through controlling others, outcomes, and our own feelings leads to an inner feeling of emptiness. Our feelings of emptiness lead to more pleasure seeking outside ourselves that can lead to addictive behavior. In Bubbie's view, that's reason enough to get over on the good foot and give a new path a try.

As he put it, "Sometimes we just have to let go of our ideas of what is best for others and trust that it will all turn out just the way it should. After all, God is a-watchin' over us; He's got it all cyphered out if we'd just get out of his way. People been a-thinkin' that the end of the world has been comin' since the dawn of time; but life goes on - best we just ride along and enjoy it... Ya know, be happy."